Amanda Holden has opened up about the tragic stillbirth of her son Theo in an emotional new interview.
The Britain’s Got Talent judge and her husband Chris Hughes lost their baby back in 2011, and Amanda has now revealed she remembers being terrified of holding him because she was scared of what he’d look like.
Speaking about the emotional support she received from midwives Jackie, Pippa and Natalie, she said, “I couldn’t bear the thought of holding a dead baby. I was scared what he’d look like. But the minute he came out, Jackie took him and said ‘He’s beautiful’. So I said: ‘Give him to me. I’m his mummy’.”
The tearful star then recalled, “He had the most incredible eyebrows. And lots of thick dark hair. He was nearly 3lbs, so perfectly viable, and his little face and body were perfect. Chris and I just talked to him and my tears fell on his face.”
In the emotional interview, Amanda – who also shares daughters Alexa, 12, and six-year-old Hollie with her husband – went on to explain what happened in the aftermath of her traumatic birth, revealing the hospital gave them a special room away from the maternity unit.
“We kept him overnight with us,” she told The Mirror.
“Jackie took a footprint and cut a lock of Theo’s hair for a memory box. She also took a photograph… all the things you’ll later treasure but aren’t in the right headspace to consider.
“We asked to keep the blanket that he was wrapped in, so we still have that too.
“And before we said goodbye we gave them a baby grow to put him in. It was so surreal. Someone explained we had to register our baby’s birth and also his death. We hadn’t even settled on a name and Chris couldn’t bear to think about it. So I chose Theo.”
Opening up about the moment she had to explain the stillbirth to her eldest daughter, Amanda continued, “Then we had to go home to Lexi, who was five. I was agonising about that. But Jackie told me I had to be clear. So I compared it to Peter Pan.
“I said Theo’s heart had stopped and he wasn’t going to come and play now but hopefully, one day, she would have another little brother or sister.
“She just looked at me and said ‘Can I go and watch children’s TV now, Mummy?’ I was so relieved.”
Amanda found out her little boy’s heart had stopped when she was seven months pregnant and underwent a caesarean, but even now the 47-year-old says she still wonders what he would look like.
“When the girls are playing footy I imagine Theo out there with them,” she said.
“One of them is in goal, the other two racing around… and I wonder what he would look like now.
“He’d just be going into Year Three, so a bit taller than Hollie. And Chris was a really cute little boy so I think he would look like Daddy.”
She then added, “But, in truth, Theo will always be a baby in my mind. Our precious baby boy.”